Today I want to touch base on feelings. If you are going through this you will learn this is a marathon of constant emotional changes.
As the rain pours against my window, it is almost as if the weather has predicted my emotional state this morning. I lie in bed questioning what type of mood I will be in today. My husband makes grilled cheese and tomato soup, and it instantly takes me back to when I would whip this signature dish up for my children. I cut their sandwich into halves, then again to make make four small squares. My daughter immediately opens the bread and eats the cheese, and my son dunks his right into his soup. I snap back into the present leaving me gazing into my soup, and experience an immediate loss of appetite. My mind is swirling with memories back to when my biggest issues were passing finals week as little feet parade through the house.
I walk back to my room and climb back under the covers of my bed. Sex and the City is on TV which it is nice to be an outsider looking in on Carrie Bradshaw's latest and greatest drama. She lights up a cigarette as if helps her to cope with her relationship struggles. I think this is a good idea, so go outside and do the same. Sitting there smoking with the rain pounding on the street my mind jumps again to the times before when my kids would play inside, and watch the rain. Back to the times when I didn't smoke because there wasn't a void that needed to be filled. I think of the last time it rained, and the fort I help my son build, and how my daughter climbed in for all of two second before she knocked it down, and I had to rebuild it.
Smoking didn't help, Carrie Bradshaw is not help, and I start work in a few hours. Maybe work will be my saving grace today. I fall back into my bed, and here it comes... The tears stream down my face as I look at my lock screen and see the smiling face of my youngest. My husband wraps his arms around me and instantly knows. I think of yesterday when I visited with my little one for my ridiculous one hour supervised visit, and can't help but feel empty. My son has grown six weeks older. He has been gone for more weeks than I had him for since he was born.
I never thought I would be a mother growing up. I didn't feel as though I had one maternal bone in my body. After my first son was born, I discovered that is why I was put on this Earth. I am here because I am meant to be a mother. That is why I continued to have children. Now that I no longer have sandwiches to slice, forts to build, and little feet stomping throughout our home I sometimes feel lost. Today is emotional, and I find it is best to recognize these feeling so that one can find strength when they are done crying. Through this experience I have also discovered that if you are going to have a cry, then take that time to reflect, gather your thoughts, and organize your emotions. You don't have to be strong all the time. Today is just one of those day, and on these days Carrie Bradshaw can't take my mind off it.
Stay strong.
As the rain pours against my window, it is almost as if the weather has predicted my emotional state this morning. I lie in bed questioning what type of mood I will be in today. My husband makes grilled cheese and tomato soup, and it instantly takes me back to when I would whip this signature dish up for my children. I cut their sandwich into halves, then again to make make four small squares. My daughter immediately opens the bread and eats the cheese, and my son dunks his right into his soup. I snap back into the present leaving me gazing into my soup, and experience an immediate loss of appetite. My mind is swirling with memories back to when my biggest issues were passing finals week as little feet parade through the house.
I walk back to my room and climb back under the covers of my bed. Sex and the City is on TV which it is nice to be an outsider looking in on Carrie Bradshaw's latest and greatest drama. She lights up a cigarette as if helps her to cope with her relationship struggles. I think this is a good idea, so go outside and do the same. Sitting there smoking with the rain pounding on the street my mind jumps again to the times before when my kids would play inside, and watch the rain. Back to the times when I didn't smoke because there wasn't a void that needed to be filled. I think of the last time it rained, and the fort I help my son build, and how my daughter climbed in for all of two second before she knocked it down, and I had to rebuild it.
Smoking didn't help, Carrie Bradshaw is not help, and I start work in a few hours. Maybe work will be my saving grace today. I fall back into my bed, and here it comes... The tears stream down my face as I look at my lock screen and see the smiling face of my youngest. My husband wraps his arms around me and instantly knows. I think of yesterday when I visited with my little one for my ridiculous one hour supervised visit, and can't help but feel empty. My son has grown six weeks older. He has been gone for more weeks than I had him for since he was born.
I never thought I would be a mother growing up. I didn't feel as though I had one maternal bone in my body. After my first son was born, I discovered that is why I was put on this Earth. I am here because I am meant to be a mother. That is why I continued to have children. Now that I no longer have sandwiches to slice, forts to build, and little feet stomping throughout our home I sometimes feel lost. Today is emotional, and I find it is best to recognize these feeling so that one can find strength when they are done crying. Through this experience I have also discovered that if you are going to have a cry, then take that time to reflect, gather your thoughts, and organize your emotions. You don't have to be strong all the time. Today is just one of those day, and on these days Carrie Bradshaw can't take my mind off it.
Stay strong.
It's ok to cry, stay strong, we're all here with you!
ReplyDelete